Gone Fishing: The Fishing Failure Chronicles
by LittleBlueNayru
Summary: Previously titled Gone Fishing: The First of the Failures. First chapter is a prequel; the rest are just other random hilarious scenarios in which Link cannot fish. Most chapters feature the VOICE.
1. Fishing For Fire

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

Well, my Gone Fishing series was really popular, and after being favorited many times and getting positive review after positive review, I felt inspired to write this after watching a Youtube video, where Link "goes fishing" in the Goron Mines. Seriously, how does his rod not burn?? It's weird... Anyway, If you want, go watch it on Youtube. Someone commented "If the rod is wooden, then Link is paper!" (and no it wasn't me, I don't have a Youtube account yet).

Ah, the power of RHOS is amazing... the whole Diababa flashback? Made that up as I went. Oh yeah, kudos to Blue (who actually says that? idk...) But still, you've got to admit it takes _some_ skill to do that...

Enough rambling! For this chapter, I bring you the Prequel to the Gone Fishing Series (it actually does take place before any of them): Fishing For Fire!

* * *

Fishing For Fire

Link grumbled as he walked into the sweltering Goron Mines, unhappy with this turn of events. He had to go through yet another monster-infested hellhole to get another one of these Fused Shadow thingys that Midna was forcing him to get without telling him anything about what was going on, and here he was sweating his ass off in clothes not made for hot weather.

As he wiped his brow for the twentieth time since entering half a minute before, he sat down, took out his fishing rod, and began fixing bait on the hook.

Midna jumped out of his shadow. "What are you doing?" she asked in a dangerously calm voice.

"Fishing," Link said, unperturbed.

"Trying _again?_" Midna said, allowing her wicked grin to color her voice.

"Hey, I was actually good before you came along. Maybe you should just go back to wherever you came from so I can fish in peace," Link said, grumbling.

"Somehow, I doubt you were good," Midna said, reclining her shadowy form in the air and yawning. "You explained how fishing works, but you sure as hell didn't demonstrate right. What happened in Diababa's lair again?"

-

_Link was yelling, between tossing a boomerang and pulling out bombs, how to catch a fish. Midna, coming from the Twilight Realm, had never seen the practice, and was curious about it. _

_"So you-" Link dodged one of Diababa's heads, "Bait the hook, and-" he tossed the Gale Boomerang, "toss it into the water-" He slashed at the fallen head while pulling the Fishing Rod out of his pocket, "Like this!"_

_The Rod landed quite far away in the acid pond, where Diababa had mysteriously vanished._

_"Wait... where did that thing go?" Midna asked, confused and the tiniest bit frightened._

_"I don't know, and I don't care," Link said, sitting down cross-legged and holding the rod with both hands, watching the bobber and seemingly oblivious to the fact that no fish would be swimming in an acid pond. Midna stood, shadowy and alert, watching both Link and the pond in general. Nothing moved for what seemed like an eternity._

_Link suddenly gave a start. "Something's biting!" Link exclaimed, jumping to his feet and tugging on the rod and line for all he was worth. "It's tugging really hard! I'll bet it's really, _really_ big!"_

_Midna frowned. Comprehension dawned on her as bubbles began appearing where the bobber was floating wildly, and her eyes widened as she realized what was about to happen. "Link, let go of that thing NOW!!"_

_Link turned to her with a confused "huh?", and that was all it took. _

_Link was suddenly sailing over the pond yelling in shock, and splashed face-first into the acid pond from the power of Diababa's tugging._

_Midna winced and turned away, squeezing her eyes shut and saying "Ooh... Ow..." as Link splashed, crashed, and yelled, flying around Diababa's lair from his own fishing rod, which Diababa had cleverly caught._

_After what seemed like hours, Link regained an iota of sense and began reeling in the line, so he was closer to Diababa's head. No longer was he flying and hitting the walls or the acid, but the thrashing of the head was that much stronger. However, he managed to grab on to Diababa's head and stick his sword into the giant yellow eye._

_The Twilit Parasite roared in agony, and began thrashing with a new intensity. As it opened its mouth to roar, the hook got free, and Link was sent hurtling against the huge doors., where he fell to the ground with a pained, "Oof..."_

_After a theatrical display of thrashing, stiffening, dying, and exploding, Diababa's Twilit __particles came together in the form of a Fused Shadow, which floated ever so gently down to Link._

_Midna floated over from the edge of the acid pond and grabbed the thing with her ponytail. "This is it! This is part of what I was looking for!" she said. "This is a Fused Shadow. Maybe I'll tell you what they are if you get me more," she said with a giggle. Then she looked at Link and immediately sobered. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked._

_Link looked up from his sagging seat against the doors and gave her a sort of pitiful glare-thing which clearly was meant to say, "What do you think?" His clothes were badly singed from the acid, and several burns, bruises, and bloody patches decorated his body._

_"So..." Midna began uncertainly. "That's how you fish?"_

_It did not have the desired effect. Link's glare became stronger, another "what do you think?" kind of glare, along with "Hell no!"_

_"I must say," Midna said, "When you described fishing to me, you always described water. Did you honestly think fish were going to live in an acid lake housing a giant three-headed Twilit Parasite? Even I have more sense than that."_

_Link coughed, picked up corroded rod at his side, and said, "Midna, shut up and never speak of this again. Let's go."_

_Midna rolled her eyes and gave an amused sigh before pointing at a spot on the floor and opening up a Twilight Portal. "Whatever you say, Master Fisherman. You might want to get that Heart Container there," she said, indicating the spinning heart on the ground by the portal._

_Link glared at her as he walked over to the heart, picked it up, and put his fishing rod away, as if hoping to burn the memory of the scene from her mind._

_-  
_

I said never mention that again," Link said in hard tones which clearly voiced the desire to kill Midna.

"No, you said never _talk_ about it again. I didn't. I just mentioned it by implication." Even in her shadowy form, a huge toothy grin could be seen spreading across the imp's face.

"Well, shut up. Go back to the forest while you're at that. I'm going to catch a fish."

"In the _lava??_" Midna asked incredulously, before falling over backwards laughing, the echos filling the room.

"Yes, in the lava. Haven't you ever heard of undead skullfish? If that's possible, something could be in here." Without another word, he tossed the line far out into the lava.

"But it'll _burn-_" Midna protested, falling silent as the bobber landed with a distinct splash and did not catch on fire. She gaped, lost for words.

Link grinned. "See?" he said, sitting like the last time. "And the best is, there's not Diababa to pull me in!"

Midna mouthed wordlessly for about a minute while Link settled down and waited serenely for a bite.

Midna was attempting to reason how some laws of physics had just been broken for no apparent reason. The wooden rod was not burning when it was submerged in lava hot enough to burn it in an instant, work fire along the length of the rod, and scorch Link to the bone, but the bobber was floating up and down on the surface of the magma as if it was water.

Midna frowned. Could Hyrule's Goddesses... really be capable of this?

-

High up in the Sacred Realm, Farore frowned down at Midna through an enchanted looking glass.

"Nice _going, _Nayru," she said sarcastically. "I thought you were supposed to control the laws of nature? That Twili is on to us."

"Well, it's not _my_ fault Din's fire is malfunctioning!" Nayru snapped, glaring at the Goddess of Power.

"It's _malfunctioning_ because of your flimsy laws!" Din snapped back.

This started an argument between the two goddesses of who was at fault, and Farore rolled her eyes and continued to watch the goings-on below.

-

A half hour passed...

And then an hour...

And then a few years... (not really)

And nothing had moved. Link was still sitting just as calmly, albeit a bit red from all the heat. The bobber was still idly bobbing up and down, and Midna was still pacing, muttering, rolling her eyes, sighing, bemoaning her fate, and doing various other things of the sort.

Suddenly, Link jumped up, a sure sign that he had caught something. Midna stopped rambling on like a cabin-fevered lunatic and stared at Link as he tugged on the rod for all he was worth, sweating from the effort.

"What are you _doing?_" Midna asked, raising a shadowy eyebrow.

"Something's! On! The! Line!" Link grunted while he tugged. He pulled for all he was worth, yelling with the effort, when suddenly it became a yell of horror and shock, as he lost his balance and fell in the magma.

Midna gasped, and with lightning speed extended her hair-hand and pulled Link out of the lava by his floundering hand. The poor Hylian hero was singed, scorched, and unconscious, but he had an iron grip on his fishing rod, which amazingly still existed. Midna moved he hand to hold Link by his torso, but when she tried to float him to the entrance to the room, the hook got caught. She frowned. So Link had been right, after all. After several minutes of floating and trying to extricate the hook from various angles, Midna gave up with an agitated sigh and gave a mighty yank on the rod with her Twilight powers.

Out came the hook...with a big solidified chunk of lava.

Midna blinked before reigning in control of her laughing and floating over to the safety of the door to deposit Link on the ground. Once she had, she immediately rolled around, helpless with laughter. Link...had caught...a rock! Oh, it was _too_ funny!

About a half-hour later, Link stirred and groaned, still feeling the burns he had inflicted on himself. He got to his feet shakily and drank a Red Potion. "What happened?" he asked Midna groggily, before noticing that she was reclining in the air, laughing without cease.

After another ten minutes, Midna finally calmed downed enough to hold up the fishing rod to Link. The hero first stared in confusion, then shock, then embarrassment at the rock, and when his face turned pink, Midna found the sight so funny that she began laughing helplessly again.

"_**You caught a rock!**__"_ Midna said, mimicking the annoying VOICE that followed them everywhere. _"__**It's 25 inches long! These rocks are unique to the Goron Mines, and can only be caught by the most idiotic of Hylian Heroes!**__"_ Link frowned but turned crimson.

"Ah, if only the Goddesses knew who they chose as Hero," Midna said sighing, wiping away a tear from her eye.

-

Din and Nayru glared at Farore. "Oh, nice going, Farore. This is who's going to save Hyrule?"

"Oh, shut up!" Farore said, before huffing and turning back to the enchanted looking-glass.

-

"At least I fished something this time," Link said, picking up the rock. It was surprisingly light. When he turned it over to examine the other side, he noticed strange markings. "Hey, Midna, look at this..."

Midna floated over and appraised the rock. Several designs of bones, resembling fish, were depressed into the stone.

"It's a rock-fish!" Link said happily, holding it up with pride.

_**Actually, it's a fish-rock**_**_._**

"VOICE!!!" Midna shrieked, flying all over the room in every direction. "Show yourself!!

_**I can't show myself without a body...**_ The VOICE said in soundless amusement.

"Who are you... no, what are you, and why do you keep stalking Link and me?!" Midna yelled at the ceiling.

_**I'm not up there... **_the VOICE said in a sing-song soundless voice. _**And it's kind of my job. I get paid to annoy you. Oh yeah, and Midna, stop doing a horrible impersonation of me. I don't sound anything like that. In fact, I don't "sound" at all. But enough about me, what about you?**_ The VOICE seemed to get a playful, excited tone to it. Suddenly, Midna shrieked as she flew around the room, and Link supposed it was not by her own accord. The shadowy imp stopped directly in front of Link.

_**You caught a Midna!**_ the VOICE said mockingly. _**You can use her to help you through your quest. Midnas are extremely rare, as they often annoy Zants to the point where they are cursed to the verge of extinction. It's the only thing you'll ever be able to catch, so enjoy the moment while you can!**_ The VOICE plopped Midna down by Link's feet, its noiseless laughter echoing through the room in a way that clearly defied the laws of nature, before fading into a more complete silence.

Midna stood up and glared before jumping into the air and floating to Link's eye level again. "what is up with that cracked up VOICE?" Midna asked. "Did the Goddesses create it?"

Link sighed. "Only the Goddesses know..." he said. The he turned to Midna with a solid glare. "We never talk about this again, we never mention this again, we never imply anything about this again. And if you do, I will attack you the next time we're in Twilight. Got that, Midna?"

Midna grinned. "Of course, _Oh Fishing Disaster Master_," She said in smooth mocking tones, as Link glared at her, picked up his rod, and continued marching his way through the Goron Mines in a stiff, embarrassed, stubborn silence.

* * *

Yeah, I kind of ran out of steam at the end (again...), but hey, I wrote this in under an hour at night after a long day of school.

Apparently the design data for the lava was just to change the color of water and make it kill you if you fell it. So, you can "fish" in it. But you won't catch rock-fish, fish-rocks, Magtails, or anything else.

Bet ya thought there was going to be a Goddesses scene at the end, huh? Hah! Gotcha!

I finally posted something after a few weeks... Oh, it would help if those of you who review tell me to get off my lazy butt and do some updating rather than just posting RHO's.

Review! It motivates me! But only if you want to. Happy weekend! --Blue


	2. How Link Got Banned From All Things Zora

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

Chapter 2!!! Amazing, right, because I never have a chapter 2! Well, this is my first RHS (Random Humorous Story), and as a story, it's got more than one chapter!

The VOICE is present in this chapter, though only briefly. _This is not a prequel_; it is just another story about Link's Fishing Failures.

* * *

How Link Got Banned from All Things Concerning the Zoras

Midna would probably be the best liar in Hyrule. Or in the Twilight Realm, or the Sacred Realm, or the Evil Realm, or anywhere actually. She was just so _good_ at getting around Link's ban's on mentioning or implying his various fishing failures.

She was now suggesting that he had been the true killer of Queen Rutela, and she proposed various scenarios in which he hated the former Zora Queen and had done her in, conspiring with the Twilit Messengers to keep his criminal record clean.

Link rolled his eyes as Midna went off on another tangent, which involved him somehow setting fire to Zora's Domain. He jogged through the graveyard, attempting to avoid the numerous squawking Guays in the trees, and crawled through the tunnel to the grave of the Zora King, Midna behind him the entire time, now envisioning Link bribing a bunch of Lizalfos to ambush the Queen from a hidden entrance to Zora's Domain that only Link knew about.

Midna shut up only when she realized that the young Zora boy, Prince Ralis, was kneeling over his mother's grave. She barely had time to dive into Link's shadow before the Hylian swam to the stone and the boy stood up and turned around.

"Is... is your name Link?" The boy asked quietly. Link nodded. The boy looked away. "My mother came to me in a dream... She showed me your image." His voice wavered as he whispered. "She spoke of a youth who would save our domain and steer my fate. One named Link. I must thank you for all you've done," he said, looking up again, voice growing stronger. "If there is anything I can ever do for you, please tell me."

Without a word, Link handed him a sketch of a monster Ashei had given him. Ralis' face lit up with recognition. "The beast-man of the snowy mountains perhaps? but more important is this red fish it is holding... It must be a Reekfish," he said, growing serious. "That is a rare specimen found only in the Zora village. It feeds on a valuable type of coral, and without that bait, even our best fishers cannot catch one. Look closely, Link; my earring is made of this coral." The Prince indicated a red ring on his ear, which was indeed made out of the coral. He took it off his ear and held it out to Link, who blinked with surprise. "I would like to give it to you," the prince said. Link took it, holding it up in midair with both hands as the soundless VOICE said, **_You got the __coral earring__! It's made of precious coral from Zora's Domain. It's in the shape of a fishhook. It's lovely! It's been added as a hook for your fishing rod! With this, you can now catch __Reekfish!__ ...Not that you'll be able to anyway..._**

Link yelled, "OH, SHUT UP!!!" at the soundless VOICE, which laughed from all directions noiselessly before fading into an even more noiseless oblivion, while Ralis blinked and looked around in confusion and Midna barely restrained herself from jumping out of Link's shadow to scream at the offending VOICE.

"O...kay..." Ralis said, thoroughly disturbed, now doubting that Link could save Zora's Domain. "Anyway... I received it from my mother," he said sadly, turning away again. "But it is fine; I no longer need it. As I look at you, I get a sense of what my mother wanted, what I should be doing now. I will return to my village. The Reekfish can be found near the Mother and Child Rocks in the waterfall basin near my village. The fish are red, so you should be able to spot them..."

Link nodded his thanks before taking out his new hook to look at it.

At once, he became so focused he completely forgot about Ralis standing next to him.

"Hm..." Link said, examining the hook. "Perhaps a test run?"

Without hesitation, Link had the hook attached to the rod in under a second, almost vibrating with extreme excitement. Ralis looked very disturbed next to him.

Link sent the hook sailing over the water, landing near the far side with a small splash.

_**SPLASH.**_

Link jumped, thinking it was from his rod. Suddenly, the line was yanked forcefully, almost out of his hand. Link yelped, and frantically began tugging the line back in. Through all the spraying and splashing, Link couldn't get a good idea of the size of the fish, but whatever it was, it was _strong_.

An hour passed, in which a most intense tug of war was fought, Link eventually prevailing. Through his exhaustion, Link cheered as he lifted up his prize.

It was Ralis.

Link looked at the Zora, jaw down and eyes wide, for several minutes, before realizing that he should take him off his line. Withing seconds, Ralis was free of the hook, looking just as bad as he had been in Telma's bar.

Midna jumped out of Link's shadow, having seen the entire thing. "Good Goddesses, Link! You really _do_ suck at fishing! You almost killed the kid, and after what you went through to save him... man, Rutela would have been PISSED if he had died... all the spirits of the world would have haunted you forever and ever and ever! For once, I agree with the VOICE. It doesn't matter what kid of hook or bait or pond or boat you have, you'll never catch a fish without help."

"SHUT UP!!!" Link yelled. As he couldn't think of anything to reply with, he settled for pulling out some Red Chu Jelly and force-feeding Ralis. When Ralis began to stir, Link packed up and got Midna to transform him into a wolf. "Let's get out of here, before he wakes up!" Link hissed.

Ralis woke up, dazed and confused, with his jaw hurting like the Dark World, just as a cluster of Twilit particles disappeared into the clear blue sky.

* * *

As usual, none of the Zoras were scared when Link made his semi-dramatic warping entrance in the Zora's Domain throne room. In fact, they never even seemed to notice he was there. Grumbling about that fact, he walked behind the coral walls so Midna could transform him again.

The Zoras showed no surprise when Link suddenly walked out from behind a wall where a wolf had been moments earlier and left without sparing any of them a glance, muttering something about hating all things fishy.

* * *

After falling down the waterfall, twice somehow, getting lost three times by making wrong turns, and almost being swept away by the current leading to the Zora River, Link was finally at the waterfall basin, sitting on the edge of the water setting up his fishing equipment, grumbling.

Midna was teasing him. "Only you could manage to fall down a waterfall twice after climbing up once. Only you could get lost in Zora's Domain, the Land of No Paths, Hidden Entrances, or Anything Else That Causes One To Become Lost. Only you could get pulled away by the river current from the throne room. You know, being a cursed imp thrown out of her world by an evil maniac bent on world domination isn't so bad when I get to see you fail!" She cackled as she said this.

"Finished?" Link asked grumpily. "Because I'm ready." He flicked the hook towards the Mother and Child Rocks, hands holding the rod in a death grip, gaze level, focused, and calm.

Almost immediately, a red fish made for the hook. Link easily caught it, and he commended himself in his head for this as he transformed into a wolf. Tentatively, he sniffed the tiniest sniff ever sniffed, to avoid scarring his sensitive nose.

His ears flicked.

"MY _NOSE!!! _MY BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, _NOSE!!!_ IT'S BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE!!! THAT HORRIBLE STENCH HAS BEEN BRANDED INTO MY MEMORY LIKE A THOUSAND KNIVES, A HUNDRED TORCHES, A MILLION OF GANONDORF'S PUNCHES POWERED BY DARK MAGIC, ALL TO THE GROIN!!! HOW COULD SOMETHING STINK SO _MUCH?!?! _OH THE PAIN!!! THE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PAIN!!! GET IT OUT OF MY NOSE!!!!

Midna rolled her eyes at the theatrics as Wolf Link danced in a circle, howling in some form of agony, while he finally managed to catch the attention of the Zoras.

"Beast! Leave!" Link was only distracted from his whining by the sharp spear of a Zora guard, aimed at him. He immediately took off down a freezing cold tunnel, and when he was not followed, he transformed back into a human, still wincing and shaking his head at the smell.

"Why are you going back?" Midna asked as Link walked back to the Domain. "You got your smell. We have to go up Snowpeak to see what's going on!"

"Hold on a minute," Link said. "I wasn't done in the Domain yet."

Midna raised her eyebrow but said nothing, and dove into Link's shadow again.

The guard nodded, rather awkwardly due to his helmet, and Link nodded back. He then walked to the edge of the water and prepared his fishing rod again, and the guard walked away, seeing that Link was not making trouble.

Silently, Link cast his line over the water. Once again, the Reekfish began biting immediately. After a very brief tug, the largest Reekfish in Zora's Domain was swinging from the end of the line, much to Link's amazement.

He then proceeded to stab it with the Master Sword. Then, he set it on a rock and took out a small knife, proceeding to filet it.

_**You caught a Reekfish! It...reeks...**_

Midna jumped out of his shadow. "Are you going to try to eat this one, too, Link? Eee-hee!"

Shut up, Midna," Link said happily, still euphoric over his victory. "The VOICE didn't say _this_ fish was forbidden!"

"But it's _RAW!_" Midna protested.

"Fine! I'll eat some later..." Link grumbled. Suddenly, he brightened up. "Wait! I know!" He pulled out his lantern and took off the top, attempting to roast the Reekfish on top.

Midna rolled her eyes. "You know, no matter what you do to it, it's never going to taste any better than Coro's soup... hey, maybe that's what he uses!" Midna said.

"Can't be," Link said, intent on roasting the fish evenly. "He doesn't have a coral hook. But anything can be made to taste good, if you have the right stuff." Deciding that the fish was cooked enough, he stuck his knife in the middle and took a huge bite.

Link promptly barfed up everything he had eaten in the past ten years, much to Midna's disgust.

After he had finished tainting the pure water of the beautiful, serene, breathtaking Zora's Domain with a whole lot of Nasty, which took about an hour, Link flopped onto the grass, pale and slightly green, breathing heavily, coughing, gasping, chocking, and even crying a little bit, though he denied it later.

Midna, who had settled back in the air with a good pair of fluffy bright pink earmuffs and a book she'd been meaning to read and finally got around to just before she got cursed by Zant and sent out of her kingdom, looked up with a bored expression. Seeing Link on the ground, she folded the corner of the page, shut the book, dissipated it into Twilight, and floated down to Link. "I take it," she said sardonically, "that it sucked."

Link took a shuddering breath. "It tasted worse than it smelled in wolf form!" he gasped, still in disbelief. "And it was raw!"

"Really, now?" Midna said, folding her arms and rolling her eyes. "You obviously can't cook, Link. Everyone knows that things take longer to cook than three minutes over a weak lantern. Everyone also knows not to cook Reekfish, because no matter what you do, you'll never get anything better than Coro's soup. Now, drink some red potion so we can go."

"I ran out," Link said weakly.

Midna sighed a very deliberate, dramatic, and in Link's view, unnecessary, sigh, and held out her hand. "Give me one of your bottles. I'll go kill a Chu at Lake Hylia. You suffer for a few minutes and I'll be right back." And once the bottle was in her hand, she warped, without waiting.

Link blinked from his spot on the ground, slightly touched that Midna cared, however apathetic she made it seem on the outside. He weakly reclined himself against a rock face and took out his rod again. It was time to try again.

* * *

Midna came back a few minutes later with a bottle of Rare Chu Jelly. "You're lucky," she said, handing Link the bottle. "Sometimes there are only purple ones. I almost ended up losing this one, too. Anyway, why are you trying again?"

Link gulped down the potion, feeling relief and strength fill him. He took a huge breath of air and said, "Just because."

Link jumped and yelled, and immediately stood up, throwing the empty jar to the ground and knocking Midna down in his hurry to stand up and yank the rod in, which obviously had something on the line.

The same guard from earlier was thrashing around underwater, swimming around in erratic circles, pulling the line so taut Link feared it would snap. However, he was also at a loss for what to do if he did manage to pull in the Zora; this would be the second time today he had almost killed someone. Midna stood, shifting her gaze from Link to the Zora interchangeable, gaping at the sight, in disbelief that Link was such a hazard with a fishing rod. Forget the Master Sword; all the kid needed to do was whip out that rod and the King of Evil himself would be on his knees, begging for mercy!

"Midnaaaaaa!!! What do I doooooo?!" Link howled as he ran around, tugging at various angles, attempting to free the Zora, who was still swimming around wildly and now attracting the attention of the rest of the guard.

"I don't know!" She shouted. "Try putting it in your pocket!"

"But I'm using it! I can't just put it away!"

"Why not?!"

"It just works like that! I don't know, I didn't make it!!"

"Great. Just great!" Midna yelled over the splashing. "We've got a full grown Zora on the line causing a commotion and there's no way to get out of it! Nice going, Link, real nice going!"

"Would you help me out here?!" he yelled, pulling for all he was worth.

"Fine," Midna said, and immediately raised her ponytail-hand and shot those strange energy-field sparks down the rod. Unfortunately, the Zora had chosen that moment to run into a rock at the bottom of the Domain, just as the electricity reached the hook. The result was that just as the Zora hit his head and suffered a concussion, he was also electrocuted and fried. He died. A black, burned out crisp of a Zora floated to the surface of the water.

Everything was silent. Even the waterfalls shut up to see what the Zoras' reaction would be. Every other Zora in the village had gathered around the dead guard, shock written all over their faces.

One suddenly turned to Link with the scariest glare ever, accented because of his blue and fishy appearance. "You. Killed. Bob." he said in low, dangerous tones.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Link said, backing up and hastily hiding the fishing rod from view.

Midna suddenly snorted, before doubling over with laughter. "_Bob?!_"

Very huge shadows suddenly towered over the Hylian and Twili. They looked up, horrified, to see the entire Zora population staring down at them with a bloodlust in their eyes.

"Heheh... we'll just... be going now..." Link said, laughing nervously and backing up. Suddenly, he grabbed Midna, wheeled around, and yelled, "Bye!", headed for the entrance to Snowpeak. The few Zoras that tailed them were frozen solid.

Link and Midna stopped only when they reached the frozen lake in the Snowpeak valley, at the base of the mountain. Link was hunched over, panting, but Midna was lying on her back in the snow, laughing happily as she gazed into the sky. "Bob..." she muttered, before chuckling.

Link glared at her weakly, still panting. "Real smart, Midna," he said.

"Aw, you know it was fun," she said cheerfully, jumping back into the air. "Now let's see... how many innocents did you kill today? How many failed fishing attempts did you have today? Oh, wait, that's the same question!" She cackled.

"SHUT UP, MIDNA!!!" Link yelled. Then, he sighed. "I'm cold. Let's go to the Kakariko Springs."

"Sure thing," Midna said, still giggling.

* * *

An hour later, Midna was relaxing in the springs above Kakariko Village while Link got his strength back.

"You know, Link..." Midna said, reclining with her eyes closed, "you could be more dangerous to the inhabitants of Hyrule than Ganondorf."

Link didn't answer. He was peeking over the rock the two were behind, staring at the unsuspecting Gorons.

Midna opened one eye. "Link?"

The fishing rod was swinging from Link's hand, hypnotizing a Goron with its evil fishing powers.

"_Link!_"

* * *

Heh... Link got a little evil at the end there... Fishing for Gorons... I wonder how that would turn out... He did bomb one... I could do that!!

I couldn't resist making Midna care about Link's well-being there.... aaawwww Midna's a softie!

Well, I really enjoyed writing this. Did it all in the space of two hours.

So, what do you think? Feel free to drop in a review, they make me happy! :D And a happy Blue means more humorous stories in the near rather than distance future! (Well, it also depends on homework, which depresses me, which is the real reason why I like reviews... distractions rock!)


	3. The Icefish and the Linksicle

Disclaimer: I don' own Zelda. Or Mario, for that matter.

Well, I'm sorry to say that you will probably be disappointed. I guess I just wasn't suffering from RHOS enough to make a really good RHO. BUT! This chapter has -gasp- _character development!_ Well... in a really weird kind of way. Midna enjoys a conversation with the VOICE, at least, and I really, really, really, _really, really, **really, REALLY**_ wanted to make it MidLinky, but I think I restrained myself good for all the ZeLinkers out there. It's really only if you look a certain way at the conversation between Midna and the VOICE. And yes, I do stress the fact that the VOICE is silent. All the time.

Anyway, let's begin probably the least funny but most humiliating of Link's Fishing Failures!

* * *

Ice Fishing

It was the dead of night when Link warped to the Upper Zora River. He quietly walked through Zora's Domain, hoping the Zoras wouldn't wake up, form and angry mob, and chase him out..again.

He made it to the entrance of Snowpeak unchallenged. Link shivered as he walked down to the frozen lake, head bowed against the wind, arms wrapped around himself tightly, trying to keep warm.

At the bottom, it felt slightly less colder due to the absence of wind in the little valley. The snow drifted down gently rather than being swirled by tumultuous icy winds, but when Link stood over the lake, a little vapor lent its own still cold to replace the wind.

Link stopped on an ice floe in the middle of the lake and pulled out his fishing rod. Midna jumped out of his shadow before he had even finished pulling it out, since she had become so accustomed to Link dropping everything to fish at random times. And before she had even finished jumping out of his shadow, she was saying, in a half-bored, half-incredulous voice, "_Again? NOW?_"

"Yes," Link said, walking over to the edge of the ice floe, fixing the hook on the rod as he sat down. "Got a problem with that?"

Midna rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, examining their surroundings. "Let's see... It's cold, it's windy, it's snowy, there's probably not a fish alive in there, it's getting dark, and we're going to freeze to death if we stay out here for a long time. And your lantern will not warm us up as much as it will not cook a fish."

Link rolled his eyes and sighed before turning slightly to frown at Midna. "But what if there are some exotic fish that have a special ability that allows them to not freeze in icy waters? I'm sure if I found them and told the Zoras they would be grateful. They would be able to go up Snowpeak then!"

"Link, _nothing lives in this lake_," Midna said impatiently. "Now let's get going so we can see just where we have to find this Mirror Shard."

"We're not going until I find out whether or not something really does live here or not," Link said, and with that, he lowered his rod into a hole in the ice and peered into its freezing depths serenely.

Midna sighed, knowing she was doomed to spend several hours in this barren wasteland, and dove into Link's shadow, where it was sure to be warm and comfy, no matter what the outside happened to feel like.

-

Midna yawned and stretched in the wide expanse that was Link's shadow, warm and comfy after her three-hour-long nap. Noting the shape of Link's shadow, she realized that he had only hunched over to keep warmer. She rolled her eyes, deciding that enough was enough, and jumped out of Link's shadow.

"Find anything yet?" she asked his back smugly. When she received no answer, she giggled, and said, "It looks like you got your answer. Now let's go, Link."

Link didn't budge. He made no sign to indicate that he had heard Midna.

"Link?" Midna floated around to see Link's face.

The Hero had turned into a Linksicle.

"Oh no!" Midna yelled. She looked around wildly, trying to find something that would warm Link up. when nothing turned up, she took his bottles, warped to Kakariko, filled them with hot Springwater, warped back to Zora's Domain, and soared back to Snowpeak. Link, of course, hadn't moved an inch the entire time, and Midna paused, noting this fact. It tickled her to an extent, and she giggled. She poked Link.

Link slid to the other side of the ice floe.

Midna began laughing hysterically, before beginning a game of one-man Link-ice-hockey. At first, she simply poked him, then flew around to poke him again. Then she remembered the time Link had almost gauged her eye out accidentally-on-purpose after she taunted him one too many times, and smacked him with her ponytail-hand, sending him flying over the ice, and she flew behind him and flew to smack him again, and he crashed, very loudly, into the ice.

Midna laughed again, and her game took on a third dimension, her tactics increasingly violent. she had just gotten the bright idea to smack him in the face with one of his glass bottles, and grinned maniacally as the thought came to her, pulling out a bottle as she flew behind the Linksicle. She swung and hit the Hero with all her might, yelling, "THAT'S FOR TRYING TO USE ME AS BAIT!!!"

Unfortunately, the glass was still full of Hot Springwater, and because the air outside was so cold, the glass shattered, spilling the Springwater all over Link and effectively thawing him.

Link blinked as he realized he was both cold and scalded, and sailing through the air. "What the...?"

Midna cursed to herself. "Damn Nayru! Why is it now of all times that her laws of nature actually work?!"

* * *

High in the Sacred Realm, Farore and Din were busy restraining a red-faced Nayru from descending to the mortal world.

"Nayru, calm down!" Farore said.

"THAT IMP JUST INSULTED ME AND MY LAWS!!! HOW DARE SHE!!! I'LL GO SHOW HER HOW WELL MY LAWS WORK!!!" Nayru screamed.

"Well, you know, you might want to go kill the Lightweights in Mario Kart Double Dash, because they defy laws of nature even more than you bend them for Link," Din said.

"This is true," Nayru hissed with a steely voice, eyes glowing an evil red. "i don't care if they belong to the Mario franchise. Those little brats are going down!"

* * *

Link realized exactly where he was and exactly what was happening, and began yelling, "MIDNAAAAA-blubblubblub..." Halfway through his yelling, he had landed in the water, and was now rapidly sinking as well as being coated in ice.

Midna screamed, "Link!!" Then she cursed again. "Dammit! Who's gonna save the world if he's a dead Linksicle?!" She was about to dive in after him when she noticed the fishing rod, lying innocently on the ice. Midna assumed that when he was thawed he was so dazed he lost his iron grip on the rod.

"Hmm... I've never actually done this before..." Midna said, pondering. "Well, I'm sure Link won't mind... and after all, no need to get wet, right?" She grinned to herself, knowing perfectly well that she could stay nice and warm in shadow form. Without further ado, she sat herself down over the hole in the ice and picked up the rod, fishing for Link.

After a minute, Midna felt a tug on the line. She tugged for all her little imp self was worth, which was a hilarious sight. When she pulled up her catch...

It was a big, flopping fish. Midna gaped.

"Holy shit... Link was right! There are special fish here!" Midna looked around and grinned, putting it in her hammer space. "Hey... and the VOICE-"

_**Is late. Sorry about that.**_ The mysterious soundless VOICE said this, seemingly out of breath.

"If you're everywhere at once why are you tired?" Midna asked, frowning everywhere.

_**I'm everywhere I know there are things to say stuff about. I didn't know there were still some fish that lived here**_, the VOICE said by way of explanation. _**Anyway... ahem... You caught an icefish! These fish are unique to Lake Snowpeak and possess the ability to live even when frozen in ice. These fish don't really exist, but it's been added to your fishing journal anyway!**_ The VOICE cleared its throat soundlessly and asked, _**Now, why aren't you yelling at me like you usually do?**_

"Oh, that's right!" Midna said, eyes lighting up. Then she glared, floating and screaming a everything, "WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU HERE AND WHY ARE YOU STALKING LINK AND ME AND DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU SPELL SOMETHING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MICROSOFT WORD THINKS IT'S CORRECT EVEN IF IT ISN'T LIKE AHD39'8175ANSDAD3;'K';lj95SNAF[DGOADISNG?!"

_**Um...as for the last question... I want to know how YOU know what Mircrosoft Word is, but never mind...**_ The VOICE said, becoming creeped out by the little ball of Angry that was screaming nonsense. _**As for the other questions... I am a soundless VOICE, whose destiny it is to stalk all Links throughout their various quests and tell them things about items they gain. That is why I am stalking you, and that is why I am here. Now, you may piss me off, but Hyrule's fate depends on the one who you have severely neglected.**_

"_Neglected?!_" Midna shrieked. "I look out for Link! I mean, I didn't used to, but he's kind, and he saved my life, and he's the Hero, and-"

_**And he's DROWNING,**_ the VOICE said in an impatient, exasperated, noiseless voice.

Midna shrieked again, this time with fear instead of anger, and fished Link out again, who was now a much bigger Linksicle than when he was a Linksicle before.

_**You caught a Link! This one-of-a-kind Hero is native only to Hyrule, and is usually stuck with some ditzy person to help him save the day. He isn't even a fish, so he won't be added to your fishing journal,**_ the VOICE said in an annoyed, bored, noiseless voice.

"Are you calling me ditzy?!" Midna yelled at the mountain.

_**Yes. Or stupid. Or something along those lines. Because you almost killed the Hero of Hyrule and doomed both your world and his to eternal darkness. That's what I meant by neglected. Now go thaw him out or something, if you can even do that much. **_The VOICE seemed to fade away, and Midna was left snarling at the snowflakes and the mountain and the fishing rod and the ice and the bits of broken bottle. Then she sighed, and began to thaw Link out with the remaining spring water.

It took two bottles to get a shivering Link out of the ice. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-whad append, M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-migna?" Link asked, shivering.

"You fell in the ice," Midna said, irritated. "Here, drink this." She held out the last bottle, and Link drank the Springwater, immediately feeling better.

"Yes," Link agreed dryly. "I fell in the ice. Right after I noticed I was flying through the air. And it looks like you broke a bottle," Link said, giving a bored-annoyed glance at the broken shards. "Care to explain, Midna?"

Midna stuttered, fidgeted, and put on quite a show of theatrics, including asking for her lawyer, screaming that Link was trying to falsely accuse her of murder, and confessing, in teary tones, that it was she who had stolen the cookies from Teakr in preschool.

After Midna finished, which took half and hour, she had noticed that Link had not moved. She thought he had turned into a Linksicle again until he said, "I'm waiting," in a serious voice that she had never heard before.

"Well, you see," Midna began nervously,

(A/N: Well, I basically slurred together what Midna said below so that there were no spaces in between the words, but the site is being an ass and not letting me do that, so yeah, that's what Midna's SUPPOSED to be saying where this is. Sorry. --Blue)

Link blinked. "What?"

Midna took a deep breath. "I took a nap while you fished and you turned into a Linksicle so I played one-man-Linksicle-ice-hockey and I began beating you to a pulp in revenge for using me as fish bait and you fell under the ice and you froze but after a long talk with the VOICE I fished you out of Lake Snowpeak and I thawed you with Hot Springwater so we're even okay now let's go to Snowpeak and forget this ever happened."

Link blinked.

Then...

"_Ice hockey?! _A talk with the _VOICE?!_ _YOU FISHED?!_"

Midna nodded mutely.

"I don't believe this!" Link yelled, gesturing wildly, leaping to his feet and pacing. "You actually had a conversation with the VOICE! It's usually just a shouting match! And you fished, on your first try! I'll never live this down!"

"Actually, second," Midna said, remembering something. Link looked up and grew apprehensive at the evil grin on Midna's face. "Remember your theory?" she asked slyly while pulling the Icefish out of her hammer space.

Link's jaw dropped. "You fished a new species on you first try," he said, burying his face in his hands in shame. "And I used to be such a _good_ fisher... WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!"

"There there Link it's probably just a phase," Midna said, cooing at Link to tease him.

Link glared at her, then changed the subject. "So, are you friends with the VOICE now?"

"Hell no!" Midna yelled. "It called me a stupid ditz!"

Link smiled. "You two really got off on the wrong foot that first time, didn't you?"

Midna grumbled, undoubtedly remembering their first encounter.

"So, shall we go up Snowpeak now?" Link said.

Midna suddenly grinned again. "Not just yet."

-

When they finally did travel up Snowpeak, Link ignored Midna the whole way, in an angry, jealous silence. Midna had traveled back to Zora's Domain and presented the Zoras with the Icefish, thereby appeasing them of their anger at the death of Bob. The Zoras began to hail her as a goddess, much to Nayru's anger, and Midna regaled the awestruck Zoras with stories of Link's fishing failures, making him the butt of all their jokes for a very long time.

_One day, Midna_, he thought, _You will regret all this as I use you as bait for Skullfish_.

* * *

Wow, I'm making all the Zelda characters evil... O.O First Midna and now Link...

Ah, yeah, for all of you who haven't played Mario Kart Double Dash, if you win and you have a small player in the back, they jump up and down and miraculously land on the car, which is still moving. They defy the laws of nature!

Yeah... that wasn't too funny... sorry about that... The next Fishing Failure will be better, I promise!

OH! Next chapter, I will be taking a break from the Fishing Failures for a **Super Special Chapter!** No, it's not a lame author's note. It is.....

**Why exactly Midna hates the VOICE!!!**

Yes, we are going back in time to the first time Midna ever heard the VOICE and how it all went downhill from there!

Sorry again that it didn't live up to many expectations. Again, I'll do better next time! Thanks again for reading!


	4. Why Midna Hates the VOICE

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

As promised, **a chapter on exactly why Midna hates the VOICE!** For this chapter, we go back in time to the first time she ever heard the VOICE, when she and Link were stealing the Ordon Sword and Shield. This contains not so much fish humor as humor in general, but still, enjoy!

* * *

Frogs

It was the dead of night in Ordon Village, and Wolf Link was walking around, unseen in the shadows, bent on stealing the Ordon Sword and Shield. It was certainly something he thought he'd never do.

He heard Midna giggle as he surprised Hanch from behind, scaring him and his hawk. She watched Hanch jump into the Ordon River with amusement, and then floated over to the water wheel, beckoning to Link. Link jumped, steadied by her strange hand, and then made another jump for the roof. Link walked into the house through the window, and looked around from the balcony.

He jumped down to the table, and Midna abruptly jumped out of his shadow, pointing at the far wall. "Eee-hee! Found it! Found it!" She cheered, before flying up to the wall and motioning for Link again.

For the third time, Link jumped, and he looked with confusion at the shield on the wall. How was he supposed to get it down?

After a moment of thought, he rammed the wall. It began to swing loose. After another hit, it fell to the floor, clanging a little bit too loud for the two to be comfortable.

Wolf Link walked over to the shield and held it above his head.

_**You got the Ordon Shield! **_a soundless VOICE suddenly proclaimed. _**Press L to defend yourself, but beware: if it's touched by fire, it will burn.**_

"What said that?" Midna asked, looking around the room suspiciously. "Who's there? What heck does it mean, press L? How did it know what it was and that we were here? And above all, _how is it a voice without sound??_"

_**That's VOICE in all capital letters, thank you**_, the mysterious VOICE suddenly said. _**And if pressing L is beyond your puny mortal understanding, then don't listen to me. It doesn't apply to you anyway**_.

"Hey, I'm the one who's going to be using them!" Midna shrieked everywhere. "Link can't use them when he's a wolf! And I don't care if you're the voice or the Voice or the VOICE, don't you dare try to tell me something is beyond my understanding, you stupid ghost-thing!!!"

"Midna, be quiet!" Wolf Link growled, flicking his ears everywhere warily. What if the villagers had heard?!

"I want to know what exactly that voice is doing and why it's here. And I will not go until I get those answers!" Midna yelled at the ceiling.

_**Then you're going to be here until you die!**_ the noiseless VOICE said angrily, seeming to originate from under her this time.

Midna shrieked again, and made a sort of grab for the ground beneath her feet. All she managed to do was fall on her head as she tried to grab at the air.

The VOICE laughed soundlessly at this failure, before fading into an even more absolute silence.

Midna stood up, apparently angry. It was hard fore Link to tell, but seeing as her face was a bright gray instead of the normally calm black and pale green, he assumed that this was the color she turned when she was angry. He was right. Midna was shaking with anger, and as she rose into the air, she took a deep breath, opened her mouth, and screamed the loudest, most angry scream anyone in Ordon had ever heard. Not to mention it froze everyone in place with an unexplained fear.

However, after it was over, Link heard Bo shouting, "What was that?!" and he and Jaggle came running into the house, looking all over the place.

Link growled lightly before jumping out the window and splashing into the river.

"What was that?" someone else asked.

Uli and Rusl looked away from their doorstep out at the river.

"It might have been the children... I must search one last time! Get inside the house; the sword is on the sofa," Rusl said.

"But dear, your injuries..." Uli protested.

As the two argued, Link swam upriver and growled lightly at his shadow. It shifted slightly, showing Midna shrugging her shoulders, but even in the darkness she was still shaking with anger.

"You idiot!" he growled, "We could have been caught! You think the villagers aren't prepared for things like wolves? We live in the _woods!_"

"That _thing _is not natural!" Midna hissed, jumping up from Link's shadow. "It isn't a plant, animal, or magical inanimate object. It talks, but it has no mouth and makes no noise! It goes against nature! An intelligence not limited by a body! And I'll bet it follows us. Just you wait, when we get that sword it will come back. And this time, I better find out exactly what it is!"

"Would you just stop?!" Link snapped. "I've heard it before, and it didn't do anything then. It probably can't hurt us if it doesn't have a body, and it doesn't have a reason to. So just calm down and accept it!"

"Hmph," Midna grumbled, folding her shadowy arms across her chest and diving back into shadow.

Link was now at the creek by Rusl's house. He didn't want to frighten Uli, and he was sure if she called out, Rusl would be there before he could blink. He paced around, looking for another way in.

Giving himself over to his new wolven senses, he focused on a hole leading into the side of the house. As quietly as he could, he walked up the hill, circled the house, and dug underneath.

Link's snout gratefully received air as he emerged on the inside, and he shook the dirt off his fur, hoping Uli wouldn't notice. And there, on the sofa on the opposite side of the house, was the sword. Link dashed to the sofa and picked it up, lifting it over his head.

_**You got the Ordon Sword! This is a sword crafted by Rusl, the best swordsman in Ordon, as a tribute to the royal family. Attack with B and sheath with A. **_

"ALL RIGHT!" Midna yelled, jumping out of the shadow. "You are going to listen to me, you VOICE, _if you can_, without ears!!"

_**Wow, you are awfully moronic...**_ the VOICE muttered noiselessly. _**If I heard you last time I could hear you again. You are either extremely forgetful or unbelievably ignorant. Actually... you're both.**_

"How dare you?!" Midna screamed, turning gray again. "I did not forget, and I noticed before! Now, answer me! What exactly are you?! Who exactly are you?! And WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING LINK AND ME?!"

_**That's for me to know, and you to find out, if you ever calm down enough to get an intelligible word out of that gaping mouth of yours, **_the VOICE said mutely.

Midna was shaking with rage again, on the brink of white-faced. she opened her mouth again, and...

"FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!" She yelled, zapping her magic hair-arm at everything, shooting energy balls everywhere, flying around the room, screaming at the top of her lungs with anger in a vain attempt to kill the mysterious VOICE without a body.

Meanwhile, the VOICE was laughing hysterically. _**How can you hope to kill me if I have no body? How do you know I can be killed? What if I am not alive? **_

To which Midna responded with, "FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!"

And then, just as it seemed things couldn't get worse, what with a shadowy Midna flying around the room tearing down the cottage from the inside with a VOICE laughing at her from everywhere at once and a wolf cowering in the corner, attempting to escape, Uli opened the door.

Wolf Link and Shadow Midna froze in their places and stared at Uli, who stood gaping. It was rather hilarious. Link, who had tucked his tail under his legs in fear and backed up against the wall in a ball shape, poked his snout out from his awkward fetal position, looking for all the world like a domestic dog who knows it has done something that would upset its owner. Midna, shadowy arms outstretched, with energy balls still firing from them unconsciously, was hovering as a black mass in the center of the wreckage and burning walls. And the VOICE, who seemed to be able to see all this, laughed at the top of its silent lungs, which caused Uli to turn white and faint out onto the porch.

Rusl was at her side before Link could blink.

"Uli? Uli!" he yelled. Only then did he notice the crackling of fire and splintering walls, and the imp and the wolf and the VOICE. At all of these he glared. With a war yell, he raised his sword over his head and charged what he deemed the most susceptible object to damage in the house: Wolf Link.

Just then, a burning timber from the cottage's roof fell and landed of Wolf Link. The poor dog yelped and frantically turned into the wall, still curled in fetal position, digging for his life as his fur got singed by the flames, accompanied by a flurry of blows from Rusl. Midna, still a slightly gray-with-anger shadow, gave the VOICE one last threatening scream, freezing Rusl in place. The VOICE laughed its strange muted laugh again, causing Rusl to pale, too. However, after Midna's final volley of shots at the cabin, she stopped screaming and followed Link out the dirt hole.

Link was busy rolling in the creek, trying to put out the flames on his fur coat and soothe the burns on his body. Midna silently hovered above him, still slightly gray. She watched as Rusl ran out of his house, carrying Uli with him.

By now all of the villagers were trying to help Rusl douse his house, but their efforts were in vain; with much crackling, snapping, and popping, the house succumbed to the fire. Midna, glaring silently at the burning building, slowly lowered herself into Link's shadow.

Rusl turned to the creek, where he saw the very meek-looking Wolf Link.

"That creature did this! Get it!" he yelled, charging Link.

With another yelp, Link ran to his house as all the remaining villagers chased him.

Once the villagers gave up, Midna jumped out of his shadow. "At least we got the sword," she said meekly, seeming to be guilty of her extensive damage.

A scorched Wolf Link glared wordlessly at her. Then, he walked back to the village.

"Hey! What are you doing?!" Midna hissed. "We can't go back! Hey! Are you listening to me?! Link!!"

Link ignored her pointedly, having a strange image of an erratic fairy pass through his head for a moment. He shrugged it off, limply quietly towards the creek.

"Midna, could you get my fishing rod?" Link asked.

"I can try..." she said doubtfully. "But what do you want with your rod, Link? We have to go to Faron Woods!"

"I want to try something," he said.

Midna sighed; she fished for his rod in her hammer space, and eventually found it, based on Link's description.

"So, how do you work this thing?" Midna said, swinging the rod haphazardly. Link had to dodge the sharp hook several times to avoid his eyes being punctured.

"If you'll _give_ it to me before you _stab my eyes_, I'll _show_ you!" Link barked.

"Okay, okay, sheesh," Midna grumbled. "You're grumpy now."

"Why do you _think_?! You almost gave us away at Jaggle's house, burned Rusl's house, and almost gored my eyes! Just give me my stupid fishing rod!"

"_Fine,_" Midna said, holding out the fishing rod.

Link grabbed it in his jaws and attempted to hold it properly, like a human, failing spectacularly. He tried to stick it in his jaws like the classic stick to prevent a predator's mouth from closing, but it didn't work, and Link was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the hook swinging around unchecked.

Still, he tried. Cautiously, he lowered the hook down towards the creek near the frogs.

"What are you _doing?_"

"Huh ugh, Mihgaa" (Hold on, Midna) Link said, mouth still gaping with the awkward rod.

Midna flew right in his face with the sternest, most threatening look she could muster. "What are you doing," she asked in dangerously flat tones.

"Fihhng." (Fishing)

"What is 'fihhng'?"

Link spat the rod out of his mouth. "_Fishing_ is when you try to catch _fish_ hence the name. And you use a _fishing _rod to _catch _the fish."

Midna nodded in mock understanding. "Are you aware that you are not holding your rod correctly, and that you are trying to catch _frogs_?"

"Yes, in fact I am," Link said tersely. "It's rather hard to hold a rod correctly without opposable thumbs or hands of any sort, and there aren't any fish here. Besides, I've always wanted to catch a frog. There are these amazing things called Frog Lures, so I assume they catch frogs. I know how to use all the other lures except Sinkers and Frogs. But I want to eat frog legs..."

"You're gross, Link," Midna said exasperatedly.

After about an hour of silent curses, adjustments, and arguments, Link finally had a decent hold on the rod by wrapping some of the line around his face and tying the rod to his head. He swung it at a frog.

The frog fell for it, at grabbed the line. But when Link reeled it in, it said, ""Ribbit! Ribbit! I didn't think anyone would come calling, so I haven't thought of anything to say... sorry..."

Link's eyes bulged, and he howled with fright, not noticing that the rod was still tied to him and that the frog was still on the hook.

"OH MY GODDESSES, THAT FROG JUST TALKED?! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE WORLD MIDNA?! IT IS THE END OF ALL DAYS!! TRIFORCE LORE SURELY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT TALKING ANIMALS!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOO?!"

Midna sighed and rolled her eyes, ignoring the rather-hypocritically talking wolf who was currently backing away from the frog, which was hopping towards him ribbiting, yelling, "STAY AWAY FROM ME! BACK, BACK I SAY!!" at the top of his lungs, forgetting he had the fishing rod still on his head with the frog still on the line and some of the line wrapped around his head.

_**You caught a--**_

"VOICE!!!" Midna shrieked, abruptly sending off a volley of shots in every direction, which caused Link to howl in both fear and pain as his tail was singed by magic, leaping away from Midna, the frog, the energy balls, and the creek.

_**You caught a frog! **_the VOICE yelled silently over all the chaos. _**How? I don't know! You aren't allowed to catch frogs even with frog lures, so this will NOT be added to you fishing journal!**_

"You're NOT?!" Wolf Link howled. "Then why's it called a Frog Lure?!"

_**Don't ask me!**_ the VOICE yelled mutely. _**I don't name these things! I just describe them! So if you--**_

"Vile demons!"

Once again, everything froze.

The adults of the village, armed with torches, pitchforks, and rocks, were staring at probably the most bizarre scene of their lives. A wolf, carrying a fishing rod on its head that looked similar to the rod Colin had given Link, was running around howling, apparently trying to escape the croaking frog on the hook, oblivious to the fact that it was still attached to the rod. A VOICE, seemingly from nowhere, had been yelling at someone, and a floating shadow was screaming at the top of its lungs and firing balls of magic in every direction. However, the VOICE stopped yelling, the shadow stopped screaming and shooting everything, the wolf stopped dancing around in fear and howling, and the frog stopped croaking, and they all turned and stared at the villagers with mixed expressions on their faces, such as "Oh shit!", "What the fuck?", and just plain "O.o". Well, except for the VOICE, but you could faintly hear the noiseless little "Whaaaat?" it was whispering.

"Spirits! Haunt our village no more!" Bo yelled, charging the wolf and the shadow with a spear.

Wolf Link yelped again, before barking at the shadow and the air, and sprinted out of the village, the frog flying in the air behind him, still attached to the hook on the rod that he still held. After yelling, "Hey, wait up!" the shadow glided after him. But just before the shadow disappeared around the bend after the wolf, it turned around and yelled. "Oh, just you wait until we meet again, you horrible VOICE! I will have my revenge! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Then it smoothly glided out of sight, cackling madly.

The villagers looked after the little group of freaks, only slightly weirded out. Just slightly.

_**Well, that was odd...**_ the VOICE said mutely.

Now severely disturbed, the villagers all went home, hoping it was all some sort of nightmare.

The VOICE lingered for a few moments, pondering silently. _**...Was it something I said...?**_

Link did not stop running until he reached the Twilight Wall, not even to listen to Ordona. "HURRY UP MIDNA! THERE'S AN ANGRY MOB CHASING US!!!"

Midna flew past him as fast as she could, grabbing Link with her freakish hand as she passed him, pulling him through the wall with her.

Link panted, unaware that Midna had materialized on his back until he looked up to see her wearing the shield on her head. He laughed.

Then she swung for his head. He yelped.

"These weapons are pathetic!" Midna said. "You actually _use _these in your world? They wouldn't stand a chance against the monsters in the Twilight! And they've been tainted by that Goddess-damn VOICE, too." She threw them to the ground in contempt. "I'm never touching those again. But since you can't hold onto them, I will for you. And your rod, too," she said, snapping her fingers and dissipating all three into Twilight. "Now, to find the dying Light Spirit. Nice fishing attempt, by the way," she said sarcastically to Link, looking down at him.

Link growled. "That was probably the worst example of fishing ever. I can do better. I'll explain_ real_ fishing some other time. I'm just glad we lost them. Especially that freakish talking frog." He grimaced.

"Did you not listen to that squirrel?" Midna asked, rolling her eyes in disbelief. "It said animals could talk! You're such a naïve buffoon sometimes, Link."

"And who ever said I was gone?" the frog asked, popping up on Link's head.

Link eyes bulged. And then he ran. Howling at the top of his lungs, which amazingly hadn't given out.

Midna cackled and waved goodbye as the frog hopped off Link. "See ya!" she yelled. Then she squeezed Link's sides. "Now find that spirit, wolf-boy, or I'll send cats to fawn over you next!"

"GODDESSES HAVE MERCY!!" Link howled as he sprinted through the forest.

* * *

Well, I hope it was funny. I had fun making Midna scream at the VOICE, and when everyone froze. Feel free to review; it makes me happy :) But don't feel pressured.

It's true, kids, you can't catch frogs with the Frog Lure. It catches_ bass_.

Yes, I did reference a _ton _of stuff this chapter. Like Midna's scream freezes people like ReDeads do, Midna demands that Link listen to her like Navi, Midna not being able to use Hylian technology properly, Link completely skipped Ordona's really long speech, the frogs do talk, the cats in Hyrule following around fawning over you, and when you search for the sword and shield, if you wait for Rusl to limp to the other end of the village and then scare Uli, he is randomly right there.

The "naive buffoon" is a shout-out to Rasengirl13. Because Link is a naive buffoon who can't jump and constantly ruins our plans.

It just snowed a lot here, so I am having fun! Happy Early Holidays to you all! --Blue.


	5. The Rematch

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

Wow, I've kept you waiting for a chapter for a long time... I think I owe you this super-awesome-funny chapter, which was written on a sugar high, just to forewarn you...Now, it may seem slightly random, but I had fun writing it! :D So now I will subject myself to Evil Homework. Enjoy!!!

* * *

The Rematch: Link vs. Link

Even heroes need some time off from saving the world. That was why Link was relaxing in Ordon Village for the day, as a reward to himself for defeating Armogohma in the Temple of Time and securing another piece of the Mirror of Twilight.

Even Midna needed breaks now and again from babysitting the hopeless hero, which was why she had forced him to relax in Ordon Village for the day and gone traveling around Hyrule alone.

She sighed contentedly as she glided over the Eldin province. Finally, some peace and quiet. No monsters being stupid, no humans yelling at the top of their lungs, no depressing monologues on how the fate of the world rested on their shoulders, no Link going berserk about fishing every time he saw a rain puddle...

Yes, this was the life.

She had approached the Upper Zora River by this point, and realized that two of his numerous fishing failures had taken place in the general area. One was that horrible Reekfish incident with Bob the Zora Guard, and the other was with the Icefish.

And then, of course, there was the Ordon Village incident, the Diababa incident, the Goron Mines incident, the Lakebed Temple incident, the Morpheel incident_s_, the Kakariko Graveyard incident, and who knows how many other incidents he had had and would have by the time they finally faced Zant and the mysterious Ganondorf behind him.

Now everything she saw was reminding her of Link, and she missed her Hylian Hero. Well, she figured, checking in on him couldn't hurt. He was probably doing something stupid like riding a goat backwards. Or fishing. Midna rolled her eyes as this thought passed through her head. Since he had tried to explain fishing to her, he hadn't managed to actually catch a fish. Amused by this, she smiled as she warped from Upper Zora River to the Ordon Spring.

Midna flitted through the shadows to avoid attracting undue attention as she searched the village for him. She checked up at the Ranch, partially out of curiosity, where she heard the goat-herder muttering something about "that idiot Link, trying to jump the fence riding on a goat backwards" as he fixed a part of the fence that had been utterly demolished, and tended to a goat that was covered in bandages and weakly bleating. She had to quickly and quietly back away before bursting out laughing further down the path. Oh, she knew her wolf well.

He had already attempted that feat of stupidity, so Midna slipped back into the village and followed the river past the houses until it grew deep, and filled with fish. Being able to breathe underwater in shadow form, she walked along the bottom, looking for a certain coral fishing hook.

After a moment of scanning, she saw it dangling some ways below the surface of the water, fish flitting around it. Link's feet dangled close above the surface, but his face was too obscured by the fluid water to make out clearly. What looked like a brown rock with two points and two centered teal-ish stones was next to him.

As Midna approached the hook, the fish scattered, and she heard Link growl in anger and disbelief. Midna laughed. Poor Link. If only he knew why his fish had scattered...

A very familiar mischievous grin grew on Midna's face as a diabolical idea formed in her head. She reclined in the water in her shadowy form and contemplated the best course of action. She smirked as she finished her plan and reached out for the hook, grabbing on tight and giving it a good tug.

As expected, Link jumped a foot in the air, which brought his feet up, and Link was standing on the pier yelling and tugging on the line for all he was worth. Strangely, a sort of frightened yowl accompanied his yells, and by the time Midna had solidified her form and gotten pulled up by Link's wild tugging, hitting her head on the bottom of the pier on the way up, she had a very confused, dumbstruck look on her face. Link's eyes were screwed shut, and he was waving the fishing rod around wildly in a futile self-defense, as a very loudly yelling, annoyed brown-and-white cat clung to his head, most likely with claws extended.

So, for several moments, Link was waving and howling, the cat was scratching and yowling, and Midna was gripping the rod with one hand as it swung her around, looking at the scene with eyes that went from shock to "what the fuck?" to comprehension to a flicker of amusement to unimpressed boredom. By the time she had settled on unimpressed boredom, she had had enough of the antics, as funny as the were, and cleared her throat.

Link and the cat froze, both turning to look at her. Link opened one eye that was not covered by cat paw, and the cat looked up from where he was yelling at Link's nose and gave Midna a very cute pair of wide startled cat eyes.

_**You caught a Midna! This temperamental Twili is capable of using powerful Twilight magic. It would be a good idea not to cross her. Although she seems rather irritated at the moment....**_

"Thank you, VOICE," Midna said curtly, "Though the temperamental comment was untrue and unnecessary."

Link's eyes were the size of dinner plates as her crisp attitude froze him in place.

"_What_," she asked, "were you doing."

Link gulped. "F-f-fishing..."

Midna allowed her evil, boredly slitted yellow-and-maroon to travel from Link's face to the cat on his head to Link's face again. "I see."

"So.... how's your day been so far?" Link said brightly, attempting to steer any conversation away from what exactly he had been doing with a cat and a fishing rod.

Midna, who was actually seriously enjoying herself, waited long enough to reply so the Hero could wet his pants. But when she saw no embarrassing patch on his tunic, she decided he really was courageous and gave up. "My day was fine, Link, until YOU RUINED THE PRANK I WANTED TO PULL ON YOU!!!" she exploded at the end, shrieking in Link's face.

The cat meowed in fright again, and after clawing at Link's face for a moment more, leapt off Link's head and bolted, hiding behind a tree.

Link immediately began clutching his face, attempting to hide the red claw marks that were burning. He pulled out a bottle of Red Chu Jelly and immediately drank it, and he sighed contentedly, the welts disappearing from his face.

Then he remembered Midna, who was floating at eye level with that Goddess-damn scary _look_ on her face, arms crossed over her chest. "You were fishing... with a _cat_. Are you _really_ that antisocial?

Link spluttered a response about talking to absolutely everyone, from the Gorons and the Zoras and the villagers _down_ to the cats, but Midna rolled her eyes and moved on. "What is this about, Link?"

Relief flooded through the Hylian as he realized Midna passed it off as his own eccentricity, which, while not being a good thing, made things easier. Then he remembered _why_ he was fishing with the cat, and frowned darkly, remembering _the incident._ Well, _the fishing incident_, since he had a great too many incidents in his life to group them all under _the incident._ Wait, _the fishing incident_ was too broad too. _The Ordon fishing incident_. No... that could STILL be taken more than one way. _The Ordon fishing incident with Link the Cat. _ Yeah. He frowned darkly as he remembered _the Ordon fishing incident with Link the Cat._

Midna looked utterly confused as she watched Link go back and forth between darkly frowning and confused introspection at least five times. Eventually he settled for the gloom-and-doom look, and finally burst out, "Just what are you thinking about, already?!"

"_The Ordon fishing incident with Link the Cat_," Link said in ominous tones.

Midna blinked. "What?"

-

_Link, being the absolute sucker for children that he was, walked into Sera's Sundries, looking __for the infamous Slingshot they had been talking about so he could buy it, give it to them, shut them up, and make them leave him alone._

_ "Yo, Link, yo! Up here! I wanna talk to you!"_

_ OF ALL THE TIMES...._

_ Link hid a sigh and called up to Jaggle. "Hey, Jaggle!"_

_ Jaggle leaned down. "Your voice carries well, as usual," he remarked. "Maybe you can teach my tykes to call like that. They just don't get it! So, why don't you climb up the vines?"_

_ Link hid another sigh and climbed up._

_ "Yo! There you are!" Jaggle said as he climbed up. "Check this out," he said, jerking his head in the direction of his house. "You know Sera, at the general store? Well, isn't that her cat over there?"_

_ Yes, yes it was. Good observation skills, Jaggle._

_ Oblivious to Link's thoughts, Jaggle continued, "He's just been sitting there next to my house, having a staring contest with the creek. You don't suppose he's thinking he's gonna catch a fish, do you?" Jaggle asked, a grin coloring his voice. Then he cracked up. "Hahaha! A cat can't catch no fish!"_

_ Link liked fish._

_ Link tuned out the rest of what Jaggle was saying about hawk grass before going to pacify him by calling a hawk. Then he aimed it at Jaggle, who thought it was a simple mistake and jumped into the creek with some curses. Then Link jumped down and continued on his merry way to Sera's Sundries, and after he had traveled the whole fifteen steps it took to get there, _he opened the door.

_Inside, he found Sera sighing and being overly dramatic about something. But Link, being to good, helpful neighbor who absolutely _loved_ everyone, felt obligated to see what was wrong._

_ "Ohh...Aww... Oh, my..." Sera sighed. "It's young Link...Welcome, m'dear..."_

_ "Is something wrong?" Link asked in a very concerned voice._

_ "You...you didn't happen to see my little cat out there, did you?" Sera asked hopefully. "He ate the fish we were going to have for supper last night, and I gave him a good scolding...but then he went out and hasn't returned...I'm so fraught with worry, I've exhausted myself..." She ended with another dramatic woebegone sigh._

_ Link couldn't see how she had exhausted herself by sitting at the counter worrying about a cat, or why she would worry about a cat in the first place. After all, dogs and wolves were much cooler. Not that he hated cats, but dogs were MUCH BETTER. But, he knew Sera, and he knew that she would keep going on and on and on about her cat if he didn't do something about it, so he decided to catch a fish to make up for the lost dinner and bring her cat back afterward._

_ After he had hit a monkey to get Uli's baby basket back, who gave him the fishing rod Colin had made for him since Talo had used his last one as some sort of jousting stick, and snapped it beyond repair, Link stealthily ran to the side of Jaggle's house, absolutely not avoiding people, because he absolutely did not hate the world and everyone in it at the moment. But he forgot all his irritation the moment he beheld the Ordon River, full of fish._

_ Ah, fishing. A tried-and-true way to calm his nerves, as well as give him the piece and quiet he cherished and rarely got the chance to have. Link unconsciously slipped into a serene state as he threw the line out into the river._

_ Half a minute passed, and the bobber suddenly plunged under the water. With quick reflexes born of countless experience, Link immediately began tugging back on the line._

_ A good-sized greengill came up with the hook, flopping in midair wildly._

_**You caught a greengill! (11 inches). These small fries are everywhere.**_

_Link blinked, looking around for the strange soundless voice that originated from nowhere and seemed to be stalking him. It knew about the fishing rod, too... Oh, well. Link didn't particularly mind if soundless voices stalked him, so long as they didn't seriously mess up his life. Had he been mad at __Jaggle, he might have begun yelling everywhere, but right now, he didn't really care._

_ Then Link dropped the fish._

_ "Whoops," he muttered, and bent to pick it up._

_ That's when that GODDESS-DAMN FLASH OF BROWN FUR darted past him, scooped up the fish, and DASHED OFF WITH HIS GREENGILL! Link stared after Sera's cat, all anger returned to him. "YOU STUPID CAT! COME BACK HERE WITH MY FISH!!!" he yelled, chasing after the cat._

_ Link followed it around the house, over the bridge, down the road, and even tried to dive through the cat flap at Sera's house, failing miserable, giving him a huge bump in the head and subjecting him to his annoying neighbors' laughter. Indignantly, he stormed into Sera's house, red faced with anger._

_"LINK!!!" she shrieked happily, dancing wildly on the counter and causing Link to jump up and back. "MY CAT LINK CAME BACK AND HE CAUGHT A FISH ALL BY HIMSELF OHHHHH ISN'T HE SO AMAZING AND CUTE?!?! MAYBE HE'S A GENIUS!!! WELL ISN'T HE WHAT A CUUUUUUUTE LITTLE THING AAAAAWWWWW!!!! Here, I'm feeling so good today, you can have some milk on the house!"_

_ Link took the bottle of milk, still trying not to blow his top. _ _**You got milk in a bottle! ...But this bottle's half-empty! After you drink the milk, you can store things in the empty bottle.**_

_Now Link was even more annoyed than when he was annoyed before. He stormed out, not caring about what Sera was telling him about recycling, completely forgetting that he had come to get the slingshot. Link went off into the woods to sulk. "Stupid cat..."_

_-_

"So, Link the Cat stole my fish, and now we are having a rematch. We must each catch a fish without someone else's help. Winner gets fifty Rupees, and the fish."

Midna blinked and tried to protest this several times, but no sound came out of her mouth. After several attempts, she said, "..._What??_"

"Do I really need to go over all that again?" Link asked irritatedly,

_Link, being the absolute sucker for children that he was, ---_

"OKAY OKAY I GET IT NO, DON'T YOU DARE GO THROUGH ALL THAT AGAIN," Midna said.

"Sheesh. You just needed to say so," Link grumbled.

"But still. _Why_ is this so important, and _how _did you manage to get Link the Cat to agree to this contest?"

"Animal communication, or pantomiming with weird barks. Also, I'm just crossing my fingers," Link explained.

Midna sighed a very melodramatic, unnecessary sigh and floated down to the ground, taking a seat on the small pier and rubbing her temples. "Fine. I give up. You two idiots, Link vs. Link, have your stupid fishing contest. Just make it quick."

"Yay!" Link said, and Link the Cat ran back up to the pier happily meowing.

Link and Link both took seats on the edge of the pier, Link the Cat peering into the water intently and Link the Hylian sitting tensed on the edge, fishing rod in an iron grip.

Midna watched them do nothing for what felt like forever but what was actually only half an hour, and she proceeded to take out the book she had set aside in Zora's Domain and picked up where she left off.

All too soon, Link was yelling at the top of his lungs, jumping up and waving the rod wildly. Midna's eyes widened at his sudden movement, but quickly resumed normal size once she realized he had caught a fish. Then her eyes widened again.

Link the Cat was leaning closer, and closer...

Link the Cat bit Link's foot.

Link howled, gripping his rod with one hand and cradling his foot with the other, and he hopped around in agony before falling off the end of the pier.

Midna was rolling on her back laughing, book lying forgotten on the ground. Link struggled to get to the surface, yelling something about being tangled in his own fishing line and the hook was stuck in his skin and GODDESS DAMN IT HURT, and THAT STUPID LITTLE CAT IS GOING TO PAY.

Link finally made it back to shore and clambered up onto the pier, a very evil red glow in his eyes as he beheld Link the Cat's harmless, cute, benign form. He was about to strangle the cat with the hook when Midna suddenly pulled Link the Cat back away from danger, and Link looked furious as he saw Midna cradling a meowing Link the Cat in her arms.

"WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING THAT LITTLE RAT?!" Link roared.

"He's a _cat_, first of all," said Midna. "And besides, he's _so cute!_ Sort of like you when you're a wolf. You're both so fun to pet!" Midna grinned impishly as she stroked Link the Cat's head, catching the look of jealousy on Link the Hylian's face.

"You never pet me when I'm a wolf!" Link said, "and anyway, wolves are better than cats! So why are you siding with that pest?!"

"Aw, was that _jealousy?_" Midna teased, giggling when Link turned bright red. "You can't even win against a cat, Link! Give it up, fishing is a cat's game, not a wolf's. Just stick to squirrels, why don't you?"

"I WILL CATCH A FISH BEFORE THAT SCRAWNY BEDRAGGLED _THING_ TOUCHES THE WATER WITH ONE OF ITS PATHETIC PAWS!!!" Link roared, turning back towards the creek and casting again.

Midna and Link the Cat watched intently as Link cast his line again and again, muttering about stupid fish and stupid cats and stupid Twili imps who took the sides of stupid cats and stupid fish, before finally settling on a certain spot teeming with fish.

Suddenly, he grew excited, and began tugging on the line for all he was worth, completely forgetting to do his traditional jumping-up-and-yelling act. Link the Cat slowly crawled out of Midna's lap and crept up behind Link, raising one forepaw, extending the claws...

And swiping the Hylian's ass.

"OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Link yelped, turning his angry, watery gaze upon the cat. "YOU STUUUUUPIIIIIID CAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Link dove at the cat, almost crushing the poor thing underneath him, except that Link the Cat dove underneath his feet and grabbed the coral hook in his mouth.

A very livid Link stood up, red-faced, and picked up his rod and cast it as far as it would go without paying attention to where it landed. Enraged, he looked all around for Link the Cat, pointedly ignoring a Midna who was rolling around on the ground laughing, tears pouring down her face, close to hiccups.

Suddenly, he felt a tug on the line.

He immediately forgot about the missing cat and began pulling on the rod. "Goddesses! This one is extra heavy! I must have caught a really big fish!!" Link cheered, oblivious to Midna's renewed conniptions behind him. He excitement and euphoria grew as he reeled it in closer and closer and closer...

A sopping wet Link the Cat cat up, mouth on the coral hook, cradling a 24-inch greengill between his four feet.

From an open window, Sera stared at her amazing cat and the furious-beyond-belief Link, and burst out laughing. The rest of Ordon was not long in joining in.

Link the Cat strutted on the pier, proudly holding his greengill for all to see.

Link the Completely-Apoplectic-With-Rage Hylian turned an unheard-of shade of red with bits of black, shaking so hard the ground vibrated, clenching and unclenching his fists, steam _and_ fire comically shooting out both his ears and nose.

_"THAT GODDESS-DAMNED STUPID LITTLE CHEATING BASTARDLY ASSHOLE CAT __FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

Link lunged at Link, who meowed in a very insulting manner and ran all the way back to his house, hotly tailed by a very irate red Link, who again dived at the cat flap, got a huge bump on his head, and was subjected to humiliation throughout all of Ordon Village, only more so this time since he had lost his temper and was out to kill a cute, innocent cat. Link began yelling and trying to tear at the wooden walls of Sera's house, but Midna, who was now very angry with Link's continued violent tirade on the cat, glided over to Link as an invisible shadow, slammed her book shut with a frown and dragged Link out of the Village by the back of his tunic collar, the Hero screaming profanities the entire way, with a bemused, shocked and disturbed Ordon Village watching him go.

Midna gave Link a good smack once they reached his house. "Get under control, you mutt!" she yelled, for once genuinely angry at Link.

Sensing this, Link immediately shut up and calmed down. "Midna...?"

"You went _way_ out of line back there. How could you act like that? Does fishing really do that to you?!"

"It was the cat, Midna!" Link insisted.

"Let's count the number of people who care!" Midna snapped. She looked around briefly before she returned her glare to Link. "No one! You're the Hero, now act like one! People look up to you, _I _look up to you, so make sure you deserve that! How can Hyrule depend on such an unstable fishing-obsessed guy?! And you know what? I _like_ cats! So don't go trying to kill them! You. Must. Be. Punished."

Link whimpered and recoiled. "I'm _sorry_, Midna!"

"We will not take a break in Ordon Village ever again. You will not go here unsupervised for the remainder of our journey."

Link gave her a very sad-puppy-eye face, but nodded in defeat.

"You will not step foot in Castle Town or the Hidden Village unless you are absolutely calm and I have a strangle hold ready on you."

Link nodded.

"We will not stop for another break until you get that last piece of the Mirror and kick Zant's ass _good_, without rest."

Link nodded.

"And finally..."

Link looked up in dread.

"No fishing for a week."

"AWWWW!!!! COME _ON, _MIDNA!!!!!"

* * *

I know, I know, I'm so cruel to poor Linky... but it's not his fault he's so.... easy-to-do-evil-things-to-ible....

I like both cats and dogs, for the record. I have both at home and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them to death :)

I hope you all enjoyed Chapter Five of the Chronicles! Have a good day!

And for dinner at my house tonight? Salmon and rice. TWO OF MY FAVORITE FOODS IN THE UNIVERSE!!!! IT WAS AN OMEN!!!

:D


	6. Moldorming

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

Well, this is it... the last chapter in the Fishing Failure Chronicles... APRIL FOOL!!!! I'm sorry if I gave you a heart attack, but I really couldn't resist. I shall now commence running away from people out to kill me for that little stunt.... Well, technically it's April 2, since it's 12:25 in the morning, and apparently 10 at night is my genius hour while midnight is my "friendship/randomness" hour. But this one ends cutely.

And no, this is not the last chapter. We have a ways to go yet, rest assured... Now, chapter, BEGIN!

* * *

Moldorming

_Holy Din,_ Midna thought, observing Link from his shadow as he walked along. _I had no idea it was possible to suffer withdrawal from lack of fishing._

It probably didn't help that Link was walking over the Great Bridge of Hylia, gazing hungrily at the wide expanse of water below him. His eyes possessed a certain frenzied, desperate look, wide and bloodshot as they were, and despite having spent the past few days in the sun, his skin was pale and taut. His hands shook, he twitched and shuddered like a dead leaf, and he even foamed at the corner of his mouth a little.

No, wait. That was _drool._ EW!!!

Midna sighed, wishing that she currently had a solid form so she could put an exasperated hand to her forehead or express her sentiments in some way. And wipe off that dried drool. _Disgusting._

But it amused Midna how badly Link was taking his punishment. Granted, she pitied him in his piteously pitiful state, but it was just so funny! Especially the way he was staring at the lake below him.

His reaction was even funnier when he was about to get off the Bridge. Link had been about to forlornly turn away from Lake Hylia and continue on his way, when he suddenly wheeled around and gripped the sides of the bridge, refusing to move. Midna, displeased by his delay, jumped out of his shadow.

"What's taking you?" she snapped, secretly savoring Link's reaction. "We have to get to the heavens somehow, to get the last Mirror Shard. And staring at the lake is only going to make the next three days longer. Come on, your punishment is more than halfway over, so suck it up like the big tough Hero you are and MOVE YOUR ASS!!!" Her mirth had been draining ever since she began her lecture, noticing that Link was not paying attention to her in the slightest. So, without any indication that she was planning a miniature "punishment" for the hero, she lifted her ponytail behind her head, aimed it at Link, and, at her outburst, sent a powered-down shock through his system, made to stun her companion into compliance. It was not half as powerful as the one she used on Bob. Ever since that incident, she had been wary of her abilities, and learned that Link's fishing line was made of thin wire. But, putting the highly hilarious death of Bob the Zora to the side, her attack had its intended effect. Link's muscles relaxed, and Midna extended her hair-hand to grab the back of his collar and proceeded to drag him away, past Falbi's Flight-By-Fowl and towards the part of Hyrule Field that led to Castle Town. Hopefully, they would reach Telma's bar before nightfall, so they could inquire on Shad's location.

She was about halfway to the pass when a force, steadily growing in power, began to oppose her efforts. Looking behind her, she saw that Link had regained his senses and was viciously tugging against her tug, trying to run back to the Bridge just so he could see water again.

This entertained Midna, and her surprise and following amusement led to Link gaining the upper hand in their tug-of war. Midna's eyes widened as she became the tugged, dragged along behind a running Link by her own hair. Her lapse in concentration did not last long, but by the time she had gotten her own balance back, they were not five feet from the edge of the Bridge., Link now panting and hyperventilating with desperation.

Now Midna was seriously put out. His withdrawal and desperation were humorous only to an extent. As sadistic as she was, Midna played pranks with no intent to harm. Seeing Link this way concerned her. She wondered if she had been too harsh.

However, her pity and speculation were quickly replaced by her growing ire. _He wants his stupid lake?_ She thought as she muttered darkly, _He can HAVE his stupid lake!_ And with that, Midna released Link.

What happened next was only natural. Not expecting the sudden release, Link's force and subsequent momentum carried him to the edge of the Bridge, and over. Link suddenly regained his senses and lost all appearances of withdrawal as soon as he realized his situation, about the time that his head was directly vertical as he was provided with an uninterrupted view of his precious lake. Perfectly vertical, he began his plummet, yelling bloody murder at top volume.

Midna, for her part, was floating at the top, staring with wide eyes at the spot Link had tipped. She had honestly not expecting Link to go hurtling over the edge, which made it even funnier as she collapsed helplessly in midair, serenaded by Link's horrified screams and a splash.

Her laughing fit had brought her rolling to the ground on the Bridge, but as Link's yells were replaced with the distance splash, she weakly brought herself up and used her magic to bound to the edges of the Bridge. Playfully, she floated over the edge and allowed herself to free fall.

She giggled, tumbling, cartwheeling, flipping, twisting, turning. Exhilaration filled her as she spiraled towards the ground, where a sopping wet, unhappy Link waited for her. Just before she hit the surface of the water, she called on her powers, which comfortably slowed her to a stop, the final result with her standing on Link's head.

Link looked up as she grinned down. "You're wet," she informed him.

The Hylian's face gradually reddened with anger until it was brighter than the flames of the Goron Mines.

"I WONDER WHY," Link yelled sarcastically and angrily.

Midna bounced lightly on his head. "Aw, c'mon Link, don't be mad. You got your lake, didn't you?" She snickered as Link suddenly pulled his hands out of the water in an attempt to pull her off his head, missing her by mere inches as she floated about him. "You seem much better now. So let's go see where Shad is."

Link swam to the shore by Fyer's cannon hut, grumbling profanities the entire way. He plodded to the floating cabin, squeezing water out of his tunic, cursing the imp now hiding in his shadow with every swear word he could think of. Midna did not appreciate being called names, even if she deserved them, and made sure to give the Hylian a good kick as he flew towards Falbi's hut.

"Hey, Link," Fyer said. "So, which flight'll be today? Or are you here for repairs?"

Link had no idea what Fyer could ever repair, but he had never bothered to ask before, and he certainly wasn't going to now. He opened his mouth to request the "Normal" flight, but suddenly had an idea. A desperate idea.

"Oasis flight," he said firmly.

Fyer chuckled. "Oasis again? You sure do like the desert. Alright, one for the oasis. That'll be ten Rupees."

Link wordlessly handed Fyer a yellow Rupee before walking into the cannon-hut.

The Hylian usually had to work to ignore Fyer's horrible music box, but today he had no trouble. For as soon as the flap shut behind him, Midna had materialized, punching him and shrieking.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" she yelled. "WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HEADED FOR CASTLE TOWN!!!"

Luckily, Fyer's heart stopped _after_ Link had been shot out, this time yelling for much difference reasons that exhilaration. They were quite a sight, a strange swirling mass that flew over the lake towards the desert, and if one listened closely enough, they could hear a girl's voice yelling at a male who weakly tried to defend himself amid his various "Ow!"s and "Holy shit!!"s

Their landing in the desert was not surprisingly their most unspectacular on their journey.

Link, still preserving some sense of self while being bashed by an imp as he shot across the sky, had pulled Midna close to him as he fell. It was a chivalrous thing to do, but unfortunately, he landed head-first in the sand, on his stomach. Therefore, Midna had become much angrier than she had been before, and had thrown the disoriented Link off her small body and jumped onto his chest with more force than necessary.

"WHY are we in the desert?!" she yelled.

Still stunned, Link weakly replied, "I want to do something..."

"Do it later!" Midna snapped. "We already visited the Lake, so now it's time to find Shad!" She summoned the Shadow Crystal, preparing to transform Link and warp him, but Link, regaining his senses and realizing her intention, rolled away from her, effectively knocking her down and gaining himself a moment's head start. He sprinted away across the sand, fumbling in his pouch.

Midna bounded after him, able to fly only so fast. "Link! get back here!" she yelled.

"No way!" he hollered, still reaching in his pouch. "Crazy woman! You're acting like Ilia at the ends of the months!"

Midna turned bright gray with embarrassment and anger, but did not cease chasing Link. "Shut up!" she yelled, unable to think of a retort. "Just come on! How many times do I need to repeat myself? We. Need. To. See. Shad!"

"And. I. Have. Something. To. Do!" Link countered. Having finally found his fishing rod, he set his sights on the restless sands in front of him, the telltale sign of Moldorms. He felt himself sliding back into his "fishing trance", and, now oblivious to Midna speeding in for the "kill", abruptly stopped and threw the line towards the Moldorms. Midna, who had not been expecting him to stop, had made to tackle him, and sailed right over his oblivious head face-first into the sand.

She got up spluttering indignantly. However, her stream of protests, shrieks, and curses was halted as she saw Link, standing serenely in the burning midday sun, fishing for Moldorms.

At first, she felt confusion. After comprehension came two forms of amusement; one on how desperate he must actually be, and the second on the sheer ridiculousness of the act itself. But following after in her mood swings came irritation that this was why they were delayed, and then anger that Link was cheating her "punishment" as the irritation took hold. But just as suddenly came the thought, "It's _Link_ we're talking about here", followed by resentment and resignation. So Midna trudged, defeated, over to Link, who was trying and failing to catch a Moldorm, and asked, wearily, "Link, are you doing what I think you're doing?"

"No," Link said earnestly. Midna raised a tired eyebrow before Link clarified. "I'm not fishing. I'm Moldorming."

"Moldorming."

"Moldorming," Link repeated. "But, they are either awfully stupid or I need a Moldorming Rod, because they keep on jumping out of the sand and attacking me."

"That's what they _do_, Link," Midna explained tiredly.

"Yes, but I have a fishing rod out! Shouldn't they automatically be drawn to it?"

"You know what, I give up," Midna said suddenly. Link stopped "Moldorming", a miracle in itself, and looked at her with extreme convern. Giving up? Did that mean...

"You can fish or Moldorm or whatever you want to do. Just accomplish something so we can get going already," Midna said, sighing.

Link brightened considerably, worries alleviated. "Really, Midna?!"

"Really," Midna said emotionlessly. "I'm going to go find a place to sort out this migraine." She immediately began drifting to the Gerudo Mesa and its alluring shade in the distance.

"Ilia always got migraines at the ends of the months..." Link muttered as she floated away. he shrugged it off; be it coincidence or Midna, it didn't concern him so long as he didn't manage to kill himself.

Midna, however, heard that last statement, and whatever her intentions were beforehand, she had a new agenda. "Oh, you poor Hylian boy," she muttered, evil grin adorning her face, "You will _never_ "Moldorm" again..."

* * *

It took a while, but Midna could travel with relative ease. She was in a vast, open area of the desert, with nothing in sight but some strange stone ruins. Only a small gem she had enchanted, which pointed in the direction of the Mesa and Link, told her where Hyrule was. She was far beyond the bounds of what could be called even the Gerudo Desert, the last signs of civilization being a huge stone statue carved from a cliffside, which she had passed hours ago.

These stone ruins were a welcome change from sand, sand, sand.

And Midna grinned delightedly when two gigantic tremors rocked the earth.

"Hey you! You there! Yes, you two! You giant uglies! I have a favor to ask you..."

* * *

It was nearly sunset when Midna floated back to Link.

"Is your headache all better?" he asked as he tried to pry a Moldorm off his head. He failed to notice Midna's no-good grin and dark sparkling eyes.

"Yes," she said slowly. "Much better."

Suddenly, the earth shook as if it was splitting apart. Link cursed and redoubled his efforts to separate the Moldorm from his skull.

Suddenly, Midna shrieked. "Link, look!"

Twin tremors dangerously threatened to make Link lose balance, and just as Link finally broke free of the Moldorm, the thing, or rather things, revealed themselves.

Link's eyes widened, his pupils contracted, and his gaze trailed ever upwards as he beheld probably the most mammoth monster, no, twin monsters, he had ever seen, including Morpheel.

"That... is....two.... _overgrown Moldorms_," Link choked out, as the beasts reared to their full heights and fixed their beady eyes on the now very diminutive Hylian in front of them.

Link grabbed Midna by the hair, and yelled, "RUN MIDNA RUN!!!" dragging Midna behind him as he high-tailed it out of the desert, sprinting over the lake and up the cliffsides, and straight into Castle Town before stopping.

Midna sighed as he grabbed her ponytail, before reaching for Link's pouch and grabbing a silver Rupee. She winked at the Twinmold before tossing them the Rupee, and one of them caught it delicately between the massive front pincers before both dove beneath the sand again, heading for home.

When Link finally stopped, cowering in a corner of Telma's Bar, Midna turned to face him. "So, Link, did we learn anything today?"

Link stopped rocking in fetal position on the floor to glare up at Midna.

"One, no Moldorming..." he began. Midna nodded.

"Two, you are evil..." Midna laughed.

"Three, do what you say and don't try to get out of punishments..." Midna nodded again.

"And four, when you are having your special time of the month, you are more freaking twisted than Zant," Link ended, pointing an accusing finger at Midna from the other side of the bar.

While the comment was funny, Midna took offense to it, and graced it only with a roll of her eyes. "There there, hero, at least I'm on your side," she comforted.

"So you say," Link grumbled, turning to climb into a bar stool and order some food.

Midna waited until Telma had gone into the back to float over to Link. "Hey, don't you trust me?" she asked, putting her arm on his shoulder. "We're a team. And you were killing yourself over something as simple as a week without fishing." Midna let the words sink in in silence. "I guess I did go overboard. Way overboard. But you were obsessing about fish, Link. Fish! I know what's best for you, so I stopped it. And don't you feel better than you did this morning?"

Link grudgingly nodded.

Midna still felt guilty at the way she had deflated her hero, and allowed her nicer, softer side to shine through. "I'm sorry... Tell you what, when this whole 'shard in the heavens' business is over, we'll go on a fishing spree, okay?"

The Hylian hero turned to his Twili companion with the big, sunny smile on his face that Midna loved best. "Promise?"

"Promise."

* * *

Eh.... that was too cutesy for my taste... But I'm _tired_...

I LOVE Twinmold. It was either them or Molgera. Twinmold is from MM and if you do not know anything about MM you must learn because the Stone Tower Temple is awesome and so is Igos du Ikana and Twinmold is probably the best boss fight in the game along with Goht...

HINTY HINT HINT!!!

You have NO idea what I meant. Nor will you. Muahahahaha....

Yup, I'm tired. Goodni-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (review!)


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